Pre-Lockdown Points for the Accies as Halloween turns into a nightmare for Purley
Author: Matt Cavaliere
Spurred on by their first point of the season against Canterbury the week prior, the Accies M1s looked to build on their recent run of form when travelling down to Purley Walcountians. Pops had the pleasure of travelling up to Gatwick Airport however, having made the totally unnecessary detour on his way to Purley. With new UCL Fresher Marshy making his debut bolstering the defence (but hindering the already weak attack), and Ed filling in for the missing Jake, Colesy seemed surprisingly optimistic for a team averaging over 3 goals conceded per game; as he knew, unlike a belated government lockdown, the Accies were always happy being away from home. Thanks to the elderly and vulnerable no longer having to shield, Churchy was also present and available for the game. Huddled in the world’s most ‘baghead’ marquee, the eyes’ of the lads gazed fearfully upon a grey sky and unrelenting drizzle. The away kit had been left somewhere on southern rail on the way back home from Eastbourne (a truly dreadful day out for the boys), so we emerged looking like a budget Borussia Dortmund in a bright yellow kit.
The game began with a classic FIFA 14 style kick-off glitch: their forward lacked the necessary coordination, and was unable to bring the ball under control off an ambitious aerial. Little did Purley know, they would not touch the ball again before Steve silenced all the haters who had dropped him from their fantasy teams and delivered with a sweet strike in off the post after just two minutes. Purley were stunned, but not as stunned as the Accies, who had not experienced being ahead in match for what felt like an eternity. Looking to push on for more goals, the next 10 minutes were spent consistently in the Purley half. Even Marshy was getting into the action when a layoff to him required a 15m light jog to keep it in play. It was as if time began to slow down; like Usain Bolt crossing the line in the 100m, or Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix. DJ stood there in bewilderment as the ball gently outpaced Marshy to the side-line. Inevitably, Marshy gave up in his pursuit after covering just over 5m, before scampering back to his natural habitat - marking in our own 25. The game then began to turn as a few minutes later: Purley were finding feet in the ‘D’, intentionally or not we will never know, and everyone waited in anticipation for what routines Purley would show off. Drag flick after drag flick peppered the fence to the right hand side of the goal, Bakes stood resolute in watching the ball past the post, and the fortress was not breached. Half time reached and the clean sheet was still intact.
After sitting for half an hour thinking about what happened in the second half, I have concluded absolutely nothing of significance occurred. A tense half in which we were accused of time wasting on every defensive hit out. Both teams spent time in the opposition D - this culminated in another string of short corners peppering the fence behind the Accies’ goal. Other highlights include Colesy being able to see where he works from the pitch. We won 1-0 and that’s all that matters.
Afterwards in the Man vs W*nker pint race, Steve lost to Marshy whilst dribbling all over himself.
Man: Steven Lowe
W*nker: Ally Francis (subbed in by Marsh)
Squad: Baker; Swan, Cavaliere, Johnson, Letcher, Marsh; James, Bond, Gadsby, Church, Popplewell; Coles, Lowe, Currie, Francis, Brooke.
