Ladies' 2s 0-0 Kenley SP (12/12/2020)

Some elf-y competition for the Ladies' 2s

Author: Claire Bowler

It started on a day which was drizzly and dark

But our smiles were merry as we pulled up to park

‘Cos for us, nothing is better than a Saturday with our team

After a week WFH, it was time to blow off some steam

Whilst last time we played with Kenley SP 

It wasn’t too hard to score a goal (or 3)

We heard before the start that this time would be tricky

They had a stronger team (so we couldn’t take the Micky)

We went out strong and stayed in their 25 yard

But they raised their game and it started to get hard

Although the weather held, we had to hold stronger

And the defence hoped half time wouldn’t be much longer 

We regrouped with 35 minutes to go

(A quick team talk and handfuls of Haribo)

We went in tougher (but with Christmas in our hearts)

We all were full of beans (though thankfully not farts)

It can’t be said we didn’t give it our all

As Lex took a hit and Bernie had a fall

Every moment we could, we attacked with Accies power

But we just couldn’t score, in just over an hour

Shorts were awarded, the spectators weren’t bored

But boy could we not get that ball to the backboard

So a nil-nil draw to end this unprecedented year

But we drew with our usual L2s good cheer

Nothing a pint or a cider couldn’t sort out

(Whilst we’re still allowed out and about)

So whether it’s tier 2 or division 8

We’ll usually find something to celebrate

And to top off this excellent match report

(Much better than James’, I’ve got to retort)

Who did well and who was laughed off the pitch?

We’ll starts with the highs and end with the b*tch

Queen Cami, our goalie, who saved balls on the line

B*tches Anna and Lex for not watching the time 

It’s got to be said though, the L2s are pretty great

And we’ll be smashing it next year - 2021? It’s a date!

Despite the draw we put up an excellent fight

So Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Men's 3s 4-1 London Edwardians (05/12/2020)

Ultras sparkle under the lights

Author: James Perry

The Men’s 3s, or the Ultras to give them their proper name, are in uncharted territory. Unbeaten in their first four games to start the season, including a gutsy away point against an unbeaten Clapham side, spirits were high heading into the enforced November break.

Well, what better way to get back into hockey than heading back on the road to face the other unbeaten team in the league? The opposition, London Edwardians, were more than just unbeaten, they’d won all of their first four games, scored 17 goals and conceded a grand total of zero. If that wasn’t reason enough to drag the rag-tag bunch of Ultras from their various flats, houses, boudoirs, and dungeons then a 4:30pm pushback, in Battersea Park, under the lights, in freezing cold temperatures was sure to do the job… For previous versions of the Ultras, this combination of conditions was almost sure to result in a skeleton squad turning out and maybe one substitute if we were lucky. Thankfully this version of the Ultras are a different bunch, and a full 16 showed up at Battersea Park raring to go.

The game got underway in a similar fashion to tough away games of years past, with the Ultras under frequent and intense pressure. Edwardians high press was causing problems and this, alongside some errors, was giving an initial impression of this becoming a long evening for the boys. A flurry of Edwardians attacks and short corners drew Ultras’ veteran keeper JP into action, the highlight of which being a quadruple save from a short corner. Edwardians, clearly buoyed by this, committed more men to the attack which allowed the Ultras some chances on the counter and midway through the first half some industrious work resulted in a short corner. Time to unleash the Ultra’s biggest weapon - Sam Allen. 8 goals in four games before this game and his first sight of goal from the top of the D did not disappoint, a rocket of a strike to the bottom corner had the Ultras 1-0 up. The remainder of the first half followed a similar pattern of Edwardians pressure interspersed by Ultras counter attacks and the half ended with an Edwardians short corner seen off expertly.

Captain Butt rallied the troops at half time, extolling the virtues of simple hockey and a bit more movement to beat the Edwardians’ high press. The second half started positively, before a clumsy error in the D presented Edwardians with another corner and a way back into the game. The Edwardians attacker managed to dance around a Russian missile headed to the top of the D before flicking low into the bottom corner. 1-1, a position from which Ultras of old would begin to question themselves and potentially crumble, especially with a bumper crowd of five spectators in attendance. However, this side is made up of a different type of Ultra, and they immediately went on the attack. A clumsy challenge from a combination of Edwardians’ keeper and centre back gave the umpires no choice other than to award a stroke and the chance for the Ultras to strike back. Up steps Sam Allen who sent the keeper the wrong way and flicked strong and low into the bottom right corner, 2-1 Ultras. This quick riposte seemed to have sapped some of the energy from the opposition as the Ultras started to control the play in the middle of the park. More pressure down the right wing resulted in Chubbs, having swept his emo fringe out of his eyes, playing a speculative ball into the D, the Edwardians keeper chose to leave it to cross the goal line but didn’t account for a diving Sam Allen who jabbed the ball across the line from a yard out to round off his hat trick and put the Ultras in the driver’s seat. 

Edwardians committed men forward in an attempt to claw the game back but this presented more open spaces for lively Ultras counterattacks. The high point of which saw an usually energetic Woodsy (who knew the pubs being shut for four weeks would make him look so alive?) trap the ball at the top of the D, before slipping the ball left to a rampaging Jack Chapman. Chappers, showing extraordinary calm for an attacker yet to open his account for the season, managed to slap the ball precisely under the diving goalkeeper. The resounding thud of the ball against the backboard like a celestial gong signalling Ultras glory.

Onto the final game before Christmas, and the Ultras third away game on the run, against HAC Sutlers.

Man – J. Perry

W*nker – J Andreyev

Squad – J. Perry, Butt, Andreyev, Golar, Blake, Wheller, Greenwood, Parker, Woods, Chapman, Allen, Fomin, Green, Knoetze, Wightman, T. Perry 

Men's 1s 1-0 Purley Walcountians (31/10/20)

Pre-Lockdown Points for the Accies as Halloween turns into a nightmare for Purley

Author: Matt Cavaliere

Spurred on by their first point of the season against Canterbury the week prior, the Accies M1s looked to build on their recent run of form when travelling down to Purley Walcountians. Pops had the pleasure of travelling up to Gatwick Airport however, having made the totally unnecessary detour on his way to Purley. With new UCL Fresher Marshy making his debut bolstering the defence (but hindering the already weak attack), and Ed filling in for the missing Jake, Colesy seemed surprisingly optimistic for a team averaging over 3 goals conceded per game; as he knew, unlike a belated government lockdown, the Accies were always happy being away from home. Thanks to the elderly and vulnerable no longer having to shield, Churchy was also present and available for the game. Huddled in the world’s most ‘baghead’ marquee, the eyes’ of the lads gazed fearfully upon a grey sky and unrelenting drizzle. The away kit had been left somewhere on southern rail on the way back home from Eastbourne (a truly dreadful day out for the boys), so we emerged looking like a budget Borussia Dortmund in a bright yellow kit.

The game began with a classic FIFA 14 style kick-off glitch: their forward lacked the necessary coordination, and was unable to bring the ball under control off an ambitious aerial. Little did Purley know, they would not touch the ball again before Steve silenced all the haters who had dropped him from their fantasy teams and delivered with a sweet strike in off the post after just two minutes. Purley were stunned, but not as stunned as the Accies, who had not experienced being ahead in match for what felt like an eternity. Looking to push on for more goals, the next 10 minutes were spent consistently in the Purley half. Even Marshy was getting into the action when a layoff to him required a 15m light jog to keep it in play. It was as if time began to slow down; like Usain Bolt crossing the line in the 100m, or Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix. DJ stood there in bewilderment as the ball gently outpaced Marshy to the side-line. Inevitably, Marshy gave up in his pursuit after covering just over 5m, before scampering back to his natural habitat - marking in our own 25. The game then began to turn as a few minutes later: Purley were finding feet in the ‘D’, intentionally or not we will never know, and everyone waited in anticipation for what routines Purley would show off. Drag flick after drag flick peppered the fence to the right hand side of the goal, Bakes stood resolute in watching the ball past the post, and the fortress was not breached. Half time reached and the clean sheet was still intact. 

After sitting for half an hour thinking about what happened in the second half, I have concluded absolutely nothing of significance occurred. A tense half in which we were accused of time wasting on every defensive hit out. Both teams spent time in the opposition D - this culminated in another string of short corners peppering the fence behind the Accies’ goal. Other highlights include Colesy being able to see where he works from the pitch. We won 1-0 and that’s all that matters.

Afterwards in the Man vs W*nker pint race, Steve lost to Marshy whilst dribbling all over himself.

Man: Steven Lowe

W*nker: Ally Francis (subbed in by Marsh)

Squad: Baker; Swan, Cavaliere, Johnson, Letcher, Marsh; James, Bond, Gadsby, Church, Popplewell; Coles, Lowe, Currie, Francis, Brooke.

Men’s 1s 3 - 3 Canterbury (24/10/20)

Accies Settle For A Point In Game Of Two Halves.

Author: Chris Baker

It has been a while since a match report was last seen in the vicinity of Bermondsey – after all, who’s going to write one for a 3-0 loss away In Eastbourne? It has been a strange season so far for the Accies M1s in the tough South Prem Div 2 East, one of promise on many levels in terms of tactics, personnel, style and often performance, but not in any way reflected in the league table. After a series of tight losses so far this season, coming into a big home game against Canterbury the lads were keen to put that to rights and ‘kick-start’ the season by picking up points for the first time this year.

The team were buoyed pre match on a number of fronts: Canterbury pulling their usual helpful stunt by turning up to an away games with 11 players; the return of ‘the Wall’ Sam Letcher in the back line following a broken finger; and the appearance of Accie’s No. 1 fan Rob Letcher on the sidelines. Surely no opposition team would ever have seen such abuse from the fans? After an inspiring team talk from Colesy, who promptly shut down any opinion Jake had, and the worst warm up I’ve ever seen, the Accies pushed back.

What occurred in the following 25 minutes was nothing short of a shambles. With everyone making the unanimous decision that marking, passing and tackling was no longer a major part of the game plan, the small army of socially and emotionally distant Accies fans watched as the M1s transformed into a pile of traffic cones. It’s a well-known fact that a side with 11 men will inevitably ‘tire’, however that’s unlikely to take place in the first 10 minutes of the game. As it was, Canterbury could barely conceal their amusement as they ran circles round the Accies – including a hit from a 16 straight into the Accies D that somehow went un-punished. Despite the onslaught, we were able to go in at half time only 1-0 down, following a tidy drag flick into the bottom corner. The highlight of the first half was a monster double stop on the line by Swan and then Bakes to stop a certain Canterbury 2nd. 

Colesy and Bakes read the riot act to the lads in the half time team talk – the hair dryer was officially thrown at Churchy for getting a yellow for some terrible chat on the halftime whistle – emphasising the need to focus on the basics. Coming out with renewed vigour in the second half, the boys managed to create some chances. Unfortunately, they fell to ‘star striker’ and future match w*nker, Steven Lowe, who managed to air shot on the reverse at the top of the D, then air shot on his strong stick, before falling over in a heap (a now weekly event for poor Steven). Canterbury picked up the loose ball and ran straight down the other end to win a corner. The resulting drag flick was saved up in to the air, and the boys watched as it came down with snow on it before being calmly slotted under Bakes for their second. 2-0 down, 15 mins to go, and Fresher Ollie Gadsby had already given up on the result – “we could have gotten points today.”

But this sort of overt pessimism was exactly what the Accies required. Canterbury genuinely were getting tired now, and the cards were creeping in for them as well. The Accies were able to dominate possession and space for the remainder of the match, fashioning chance after chance. Colesy got the comeback rolling with a clinical push into the corner having rounded a player in the middle of the D, before two well executed short corner routines saw a deflection for Jake Bullock, and a tap in for Danny Bond (his second of the season putting him as our highest goal-scorer 5 games in…). At 3-2 up, the lads were well in charge and Canterbury had pretty much given up, when the Accies won a corner with 2 mins to go. However, rather than put the game away, Bondy elected to scuff the injection and the writing was on the wall. The opposition had the ball in the D three further times before the inevitable happened and the ball was spooned into the far corner of the goal from close range for the equaliser. A strange feeling at the final whistle – on balance, a point is a decent result to get us going in the league, but there was a feeling of what could have been at 3-2 up. 

After the game, a good time was had by all at pitchside supporting the L1s and M2s before the rain hit. Onwards and upwards to a huge game away against Purley next week.

Man: Higgs, Casey, Cooper (none of whom actually played)

W*nker: Steven Lowe

Squad: Baker; Swan, James, Johnson, Letcher, Gadsby; Wheeler, Bond, Bullock, Church, Popplewell; Coles, Lowe, Currie, Francis, Brooke